The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
