im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
