I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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