have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I believe in your delicious
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize