I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
