dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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