then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize