I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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