I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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