Who wears a wallet chain?!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
