Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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