So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
