god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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