Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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