Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
