Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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