Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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