This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
