You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
