If i come over, it means nothing
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
