If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
