thus making me awesome and them whores
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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