I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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