Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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