Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
