Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
