This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
