it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
