I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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