I hope my margaritas pass through security.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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