my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
