my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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