Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
