I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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