Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
nutella sex= disaster
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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