I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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