and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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