All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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