so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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