Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
