my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i black out too much to be "responsible"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
