i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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