Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
