you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
