Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
