just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
