I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And then he peed in my hair
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