A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
