i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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