i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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