How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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