Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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