just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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