i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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