How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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